Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
