God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
