I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Randomize
