So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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