I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
