I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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