its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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