Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
