Your mouth is God's brothel.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
