I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have already put on my inside pants.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize