I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
