You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
