u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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