omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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