I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
