That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
