You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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