YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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