I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
