Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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