I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He passed out mid-signature
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
