i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
