Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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