i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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