did you get engaged???
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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