So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
