I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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