I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
