so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
