Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
