i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
