you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
