I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
