wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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