bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
