You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
