i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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