I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
