you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
