How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
