Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Congratulations! We have a period
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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