I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
