Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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