I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
