Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize