All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Randomize
