Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
