Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is Oprah even human
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
