I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize