you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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