Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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