i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
