there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The power of my boobs compel you
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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