It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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