I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
