u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
