walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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