she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
