If i come over, it means nothing
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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