I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
