I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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