Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
