i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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