Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
