dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
