My Higher Power is John Stamos
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
