Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
