so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
