Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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