oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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