the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
